Freckles

There are some things I'd love to forget. That first fall on my bicycle without training wheels, when, incidentally, the handlebars swung around and hit me in the chest so hard I had to go to the doctor because my "heart hurt."  My extensive fainting record, including the time I passed out in the chemo wing, promptly fainting over a wheelchair and tripping backwards in my unconsciousness (much to the entertainment of the patients watching me). The first night I had to sleep with my grandmother in her bed when visiting my relatives because my grandfather had just passed away and she did not want to be alone. The slap of emotional pain when my heart was broken for the first time by someone who'd kinda sorta wiggled his way onto my most important people list. Saying goodbye to my best friends as they headed off to college. There have been so many incidents, moments, and people that have laced my life with unforeseen pain and wincing. And occasionally, my mind likes to rummage through the memories, ransack the experiences, relive the hurt, and I cannot help but wish I could wipe everything away and start completely over...thinking maybe I could do something different and avoid it entirely, or clench my fists and brave it all with a fiercer determination to get through if I truly must.

Our own LOST cast photo

But then I have to remind myself that it all happened for a reason. I picture Charlie Pace's bewildered face as the camera pans around the small group of survivors on LOST as he utters the famous phrase, "Guys....where are we?" If Desmond had pressed the button in the hatch like he routinely did....if Walt's mother had died just a few days before and he and Michael had returned to America on an earlier flight...if Jack's father had picked another country, say, Wales or somewhere, to vacation to, and he hadn't ever met Claire's mother and wouldn't have picked Australia to start his drinking binge of shame...they were brought together by the choices they made, and every single survivor learned something from what they endured. Kate learned how to trust. Locke learned that things are reversible. Jack learned faith from science. Sawyer learned to see the good in others, and most importantly, himself. They all learned that it was better to live together or they would die alone. (Sorry, I absolutely had to throw that in there.)
If I hadn't fallen on my bike on that sunny day, I would have never learned that I had a irregular-something in my heart (although it's nothing to worry about). I wouldn't have given up on being a neurosurgeon until much later probably, and opened my heart to my true calling- English! I would have never grown so close and open with my extended family because the loss brought us all together. If I hadn't gotten my heart broken, I would have missed out on so many opportunities and realized the importance of guarding the heart. If I hadn't had to temporarily bid farewell to my friend group, I would never have been kicked out of the "friend nest," if you will, which gave me time to reevaluate myself and meet new people. Every single thing, every new freckle that spots our lives, molds us into who we are ultimately supposed to be...giving even more meaning to Friedrich Nietzsche's proclamation of "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
For the most part, I'm happy with myself. I've had the best of times, and I've had some pretty bad times (I wouldn't call them the worst...not by a long shot). And through it all, I've come out alive. I may be slightly scathed, I may be worn in some places, but the chances are, I'm smiling anyway. That's all we can do, really.
Oh! It's officially Halloween now. I've never been one to relish this holiday (Christmas and Mardi Gras are by far my favorites) but tomorrow I'm definitely going to have a family pumpkin-carving day.I hope my mom made "Autumn Mix" - a concoction of candy corn, dark chocolate m&ms, and peanuts, for the occasion.