Creature Fear

Sometimes I find the world to be a frightening place. I find the world to be this ever-expanding stage with dead lights, so all we see is a mass of ink, desperation streaking its coat like slicks of oil, as we the audience fumble throughout the darkness in search of a light or someone to hold onto. And I'm scared. I'm fearful of the dark and the slew of maladies this earth can provide- swirling dirvishes of tornadoes; engulfing, firey flames; car crashes that leave wounds scattered like shattered glass; and man- man is one frighful creature. We are capable of leaving a path of destruction like no hurricane can. At our hands we can bring about the stifling of emotions, the apathy of a heart unfettered, unrequited love. We make mistakes. We can make a mirage of a promise, but take it back just as quickly. We are dangerous. The world is dangerous.
All my life, my parents instilled a sense of fear in me. "Be careful" was a phrase I heard more than "I love you." I became scared to swing too high on the playground. I became scared to give away too much of my love. I was afraid of unlocked doors. I became scared to pursue my own dreams, constantly fearful that I would not measure up to the high expectations set before me like a cruel, demeaning hurdle, soaring above my head.
Like all animals, we are sent out to face the world with the wind in our faces, our hearts pounding, unsteady feet leading us in an ambiguous direction. Doing this alone is a fear in and of itself, but as Agnes Macphail says, "Do not rely completely on any other human being, however dear. We meet all of life's greatest tests alone." And it is not until we have truly realized what is out there that we start to develop our own fears and the prices we must pay to avoid them at any cost. But there is a spark of light, I have found, in crossing the road and meeting the fear. This is one of our lives' greatest tests- looking fear in the eye, rising above its petty level, and thoroughly convincing ourselves that it's just us, our dreams, and the world...and that can lead us to the realization that maybe this world is not as sordid as we think. And manuevering in the dark, at least when we have some sort of inkling as to where we are going, is easier than we could ever imagine.

There is this beautiful tree in front of the student union. Its leaves are a bright, flaming red, and it reminds me of a firework right in the middle of campus, an explosion of beauty and color that allows me to believe in the small, everyday works of beauty God sets here for us.





Also, on another, less serious note! I am reading Lady Chatterley's Lover by the ever wonderful and ever controversial D.H. Lawrence and I'm loving it. There are some really good quotes in it, and the whole anti-war, sensual/nature/passion versus the cold, money-hungry, rapidly industrializing England theme is pretty cool. And it's so funny to read this story of passion after just reading Vladmir Nabokov's Lolita, another book about passion that is so, so warped and twisted but still leaves me feeling sympathetic in the end.

It'll be Thanksgiving before I know it. I'm so thankful for Chickfila's peppermint chocolate chip milkshake season and my wonderful friends and thick socks because my dorm room gets really chilly at night.

-BROE